Sponge Jokes (321SPONGEBOLT's version)
OPENING TITLE CARD AND CREDITS Title Card music - "Andy Anorak" (Chris Marshall) Rewrite by - 321SPONGEBOLT Transcript (Bubbles rise revealing the Krusty Krab at night, with spotlights shining around it. Then we cut to inside where Mr. Krabs appears in clown clothes.) Mr. Krabs: Okay, everybody settle down. Welcome... to the Komedy Krab! (Puts an arrow on his eyes. Everyone laughs.) Now please give a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible in-dis-ern-ible Dougie Williams. Dougie Williams: (Walks onto the stage as Mr. Krabs walks out) Good evening, folks. I'm going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at you. (Pulls out a cart of pies) (The crowd takes out their umbrellas. We cut to Sandy backstage. As she opens the curtain from behind, she gets splattered with leftover pie.) Sandy (Amazed, Covered in pie splatters): Wow! Ah I sure hope I do as good as that guy. Dougie Williams: (Arrives backstage to greet Sandy) Man, those people will laugh at anything. Hey, don't sweat it girl, I got them all worked up for you. Mr. Krabs: And now, ladies and gentlemen, put your fins together for the newcomer, Sandy Cheeks! (The screen cuts to Spongebob and Patrick at the table) Spongebob: Go get 'em, cowgirl! Patrick: Woo-hoo! (Gives Sandy two thumbs up) Sandy: Well, howdy-do ladies and jellyfish! Have you ever noticed salt and pepper shakers? Ah I mean, you fill them up every night at closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean? (The same blank crowd animations from "Culture Shock" are used, with some fish blinking in the audience. Then a cricket is shown chirping on screen.) Sandy (Nervous): And... potatoes. What's the deal on those things? (Nervously laughs and the crowd is still silent) Ah I mean... you can mash 'em up and stuff... (A still frame of the same cricket is shown, then the silent crowd. Then Sandy is shown getting all sweaty from inside her helmet) Ah I mean what are they, vegetables or... fruit? And ah I heard you can make fries out of 'em. Fred (in the background): Oh, brother! That girl stinks! Harold (Calling out): Hey, funny girl! I got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep? Sandy (Nervous): Um... anesthesia an-a-st-e-sh-a? Harold (Calling out): No! YOUR ACT! (All the fish in the audience laugh with Harold, others boo at Sandy.) Sandy (Runninig out of ideas): Did you ever notice how, uhh... (Sees a spoon on an empty table) Spoons? Fred (Off-screen): Spoons!? Come on! Sandy (Thinking): Quick, Sandy! Make a witty observation! (Patrick is shown booing for some odd reason, but Spongebob isn't. Then the screen focuses on one of Spongebob's pores.) Sandy: Uh, did you ever notice how big a sponge's pores are? Fish (Off-screen): That's true. Spongebob (Confused): Huh? Sandy: Ah I mean, sponges are so absorbent that they clean anyone's acts up. But what about germs like bacteria and Plankton? Ah I guess they need a home too. Don't tell him ah I said that. Patrick: (Laughs hysterically) Plankton! Sandy: And they smell! But hey, you'd stink too if you spent three months buried in scum. (Crowd laughs) Hey, wa why does it take more than sponge to change a lightbulb? Fred: Why? Sandy: Because, they're so dumb, they don't even have a vertebrae! (Crowd laughs) Patrick: (Laughs hysterically) That's a good one, huh, Spongebob? Spongebob (Embarrassed): Uhh, y-yeah... Sandy: Well, that's all for me. See ya'll next time at the Komedy Krab. Mr. Krabs: That was fantastic, Miss Cheeks! You really knocked 'em out! I think I'll do this joke night thing again with you as the head-liner! Sandy: Wa Why thank you, Mr. Krabs. Ah'd I'd be honored. Ah I never thought ah I could be a head-liner! Whatever that is. Mr. Krabs: The headliner's the one who cleans up after the show. (Hands Sandy a mop) Sandy: No problem. (Takes the mop) Ah I don't mind getting down and dirty once in a while, just so long as ah I don't have to clean up ma my act. Mr. Krabs: Let's not get ahead of ourselves girl, just remember to show up tomorrow night. (Walks out of the shot) Sandy: Can do. (As she is mopping across the floor, the camera focuses on her feet as she walks) Mops. Mops. What is up with those things? Nothing a little suds can't cleanse. (The camera stops moving when the mop touching one of Spongebob's shoes) Spongebob (Off-screen) (Agitated): Like me? (The camera cuts to an outer shot where Spongebob looks bothered by Sandy's jokes) Sandy: Oh, ha hi, Spongebob. Did you like the show? Spongebob: (Looks uneasy as he slides his hand down his chin) Um... (Gives a straight face to Sandy) No. Those jokes were hurtful, and you know that. Sandy: Aw, come on, Spongebob. It was only a joke. Ah I know everyone in Bikini Bottom loves you. (Squidward is suddenly shown walking by Spongebob and Sandy) Squidward: Everybody except me. Sandy: Okay, ah I stand corrected. Besides, we gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while, don't we? Spongebob: I guess I can't argue with that. Okay, Sandy. I'm sorry for being a little too sensitive. (He and Sandy hug) No hard feelings. (Screen fades to outside the Barg'N Mart, then we cut to inside where Spongebob pushes his shopping cart into the Personal Care aisle.) Spongebob: Okay, deodorant. Let's see. (Picks up two different types of deodorant) Spray or stick? (Fred and Nancy pass by) Fred: I think he should buy both. (Walks out of the shot laughing) Spongebob: Huh? (Spongebob turns around to see no one behind him, then Scooter and his friends Lloyd and Eddy appear.) Scooter: Hey, look, guys! It's Spongebob Stupidpants! Lloyd: Hey, I know, let's try to communicate with him. Scooter, Lloyd, and Eddy: (Make funny faces) Duh... (They later laugh and walk away) Spongebob: Well, that was weird. Why is everybody acting this way? (Walks up to Billy and stops the cart) Oh, hello, little boy. What's your name? Mable: (Swipes her child away from the cart) Don't stand to close to a sponge now, Billy. You'll catch his stupid. (Walks away while holding his hand) Billy: Okay, mom. Spongebob: There's something weird going on here. I'm going to have to talk to Sandy when I see her tonight. (Bubbles rise revealing the Krusty Krab at night, with spotlights shining around it. Then we cut to inside where the audience is shown chanting for Sandy.) Crowd of fish (Chanting): Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! (As the fish chant, Spongebob walks up to Mr. Krabs.) Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, do you know where Sandy is? Mr. Krabs: Just backstage, boy. But don't stay in there too long. She needs to focus on those sponge jokes she be telling. (Mr. Krabs walks out of the shot, and Spongebob frowns as he walks.) Spongebob (Thinking): Oh, barnacles. Even my own boss thinks I'm a joke. (We cut to Sandy happily singing and playing her guitar) Sandy: ♪La-la-la-la-la-la. Spongey-spongey-spongey-spongey-sponge.♪ Because they're (Strums) stupid! (Strums) Because they're (Strums) stupid! Spongebob (Calling for Sandy): Hey, uhh, Sandy? Sandy: (Puts her guitar back in her case) Oh, ha hi, Spongebob. Spongebob: Sandy, I need to talk to you about the sponge jokes. Sandy: Don't ya'll remember what we discussed last night? About laughing at ourselves once in a while? Ah I do it all the time. Spongebob: (Holds Sandy's hand) Sandy, this is serious. Ever since you told those jokes last night, people have been treating me different. Patrick: (Enters backstage) Sandy Cheeks, five more minutes. (Notices Spongebob and walks up to him) Patrick (Talking slowly): He-llo... Spongebob. Me Patrick. Do you un-der stand? Patrick (Mad): (Turns away) Friends. (Walks out of the shot) Spongebob: You see what I mean? Sandy: Ah, that's just Patrick. He's just fooling around. Spongebob: Well, I'm just asking you as a friend, Sandy. Please lay off the sponge jokes. Try telling other jokes for a change. Sandy (Nervous): Other jokes? (A dream cloud appears over her head showing a spoon) Um, ah I got plenty of jokes. Spongebob: Good. That's all I needed to hear. I knew you'd understand. (Walks out of the shot) (We cut back to the stage where the curtains open, revealing Sandy nervous.) Crowd of fish (Chanting): Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for the return of Sandy Cheeks! (The crowd cheers for Sandy as she walks up to the microphone and starts talking) Sandy (Nervous): Um... ha hi. Uhh, did ya'll hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish. (The same blank crowd animations from "Culture Shock" are used, with some fish blinking in the audience.) I guess ya'll heard that one. Spongebob: I never heard that! (Camera pulls away revealing Spongebob at a table sitting with two fish) Keep going, Sandy! Sandy (Nervous): Um... thank you, you're too kind. So um, what would you call a bovine who took swimming lessons? A water buffalo. Rimshot (The fish in crowd get confused, as they don't understand the joke.) Fish #1: Huh? Fish #2: What did she say? Patrick: Tell the one about the spineless sponge! Sandy (Nervous): Uh, Hey, (Unzips her suit and pulls out a rubber chicken) what about this thing? Huh? Huh? Fish #5 (Angry) (Shouting): GET ON WITH THE SPONGE JOKES! Crowd of fish (Chanting): Sponge jokes! Sponge jokes! Sponge jokes! Sponge jokes! (As the angry crowd keeps chanting, Sandy talks inside of her head, observing her situation.) Sandy (Thinking): What do ah I do? What do ah I do? Sandy, ya gotta make a choice. (Sandy looks at Spongebob, also feeling nervous about the crowd chanting) Your friends? (Sandy looks at her microphone) Or your career? Crowd of fish (Chanting): Sponge jokes! Sponge jokes! (Sandy drops the mic, and the crowd gasps. Sandy then hangs her head and walks backstage in sadness. Spongebob feels sad for Sandy being pressured, but fortunately, Sandy jumps out from backstage wearing Spongebob's pants and smiling.) Sandy: Ah'm I'm back! (Crowd cheers for Sandy, leaving Spongebob confused.) Spongebob: Huh? Sandy: Wa Why does it take more than sponge to change a lightbulb? Patrick: Because, they're so dumb... Crowd of fish: They don't even have a vertebrae! (Cheers for Sandy) Sandy: Exactly! Who'd have thunk, right? (We cut to Spongebob getting angry at Sandy. Then when we cut to Sandy talking, a spotlight shines on her.) Now, personally, ah'd I'd love taking all the credit, but ah I gotta give it to my good friend, Spongebob. (Spotlight shines on Spongebob, who is still glaring at Sandy. Two female fish giggle from behind him.) He's the one who inspired me. (Sandy turns to Spongebob) Don't you see, Spongebob? The crowd loves these jokes. (Turns to the audience) am ah I right!? (The crowd cheers for Sandy, Then, we cut back to Sandy talking to Spongebob.) Don't you see, Spongebob? We all still love you. Besides, we're laughing with you not at you. Do you understand now, buddy? Do ya? Spongebob (Mad): Don't think for one second I'm an idiot. I know what's going on here, Sandy. Sandy (Watching Spongebob storm out): Aw, ain't he cute? Ah I knew he'd understand sooner or later. What a sport. (As soon as Spongebob leaves the Krusty Krab, the spotlight following him turns off and we cut back to Sandy on stage.) Sandy: (Sticks her hand out to the door) Let's all give a big hand to Spongebob Squarepants! But clap slow, because remember... he's a Sponge! (Crowd cheers for Sandy. One fish jumps up from the audience.) Thank you! Thank ya'll, everybody! You've been a wonderful audience! (Starts walking backwards as flowers get thrown at her) Ah'll I'll see ya'll next time at the Komedy Krab! (We cut to Sandy backstage, behind the curtains.) Good night! (Closes the backstage curtains and sighs) Another job well done, Sandy. (Walks over to her mirror and desk) Time to pack up and hit the... Hey! A fan letter. (Takes the paper off the mirror and opens it) It's from Spongebob. (We focus on Sandy holding the letter as Spongebob's voice can be heard reading it) Spongebob (Voice-over): "Dear Sandy, You were right about those jokes. They were funny! Come over to my pineapple house tomorrow and we'll celebrate. Spongebob". (We cut to Sandy talking into her mirror) Sandy: You see that, Sandy? You get to keep your career, and your friends. (Bubbles rise revealing Sandy walking to Spongebob's house with a heart-shaped box full of chocolates) Gee, ah'm I'm glad Spongebob finally sees the genius of my comedy. (Camera focuses on Sandy's hand holding the box) And he's gonna love these chocolates I baked for him. (We cut over to inside of Spongebob's house, where Spongebob's hand opens the door for Sandy.) Sandy: (Handing Spongebob her box of chocolates) Good morning, Spongebob. (Sandy's eyes bulge, and we cut over to Spongebob's shoes, then the camera rises up revealing Spongebob as a hillbilly. His teeth are stuck out more, and he lisps when he speaks because of those longer teeth.) Idiot Spongebob (Talking slowly): Why, hello, Sandy! Sandy (Creeped out): Uh, Spongebob? Are you okay? Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): I'm just being my own naturally spongy self. (Picks his nose) (Sandy laughs nervously, then Gary slithers up to Sandy, who is just as nervous as she is.) Gary: Meow. Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): What are you so afraid of, Gary? It's just Sandy. She's not gonna bite. (To Sandy) Why don't you come on in and have a seat? (Holds Sandy's hand, as she gets all nervous. She walks her right into the living room.) You must be tired from telling them funny jokes all the time. Why don't you take a load off? (Pushes Sandy into his couch) Sandy: (Tries to stand, but her tail and butt are glued to the seat) Um, Spongebob? Ah I think there's something wrong with your couch. Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): Nonsense. (Holds up a paintbrush and a bucket of glue) I was just done putting some glue on it so you wouldn't fall off. Say, is that a present for me? Sandy (Nervously smiling): Um, yes, Spongebob. As a matter of fact, (Hands Spongebob the box of chocolates) it is. Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): (Opens the box, revealing the chocolates inside.) Chocolates? For me? You shouldn't have! I'm gonna store these in a bowl to eat for later. (Grabs Sandy's air helmet) Sandy: Um, Spongebob? That's not a bowl, that's ma my... (Spongebob rips off the air helmet and Sandy gasps for air as she starts holding her breath) Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): (Dumps the box of chocolates into Sandy's helmet) There. Just the way I like them. Sandy (Holding her breath): Spongebob, I need a...! Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): Oh, that's right! You're a land squirrel. Now, what was it that land squirrels need? Umm, uhh... let's see, (Slides his finger up and down) land squirrels need umm... Gary: Meow. Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): (Covers Gary's mouth) Oh, wait, don't tell me, Gary. I think I know this one! What does it start with? Sandy (Holding her breath): Aaa... Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): An "aaa"nvil? An ax? Apples? Sandy (Holding her breath): Spongebob! "Air"! Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): Well, why didn't you just say so? (Sticks an air hose in Sandy's mouth) Here you go. (Turns to Gary) Fire away, Gary! (Gary saldy meows, knowing Spongebob is going way too far with getting back at Sandy. He slithers on the wheel to fill Sandy's body with oxygen) Sandy (Muffled, while in inflating): Spongebob! Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): Dumb, dumb, dumb! Sponges are so dumb, they don't even have a vertebrae! Sandy (Muffled, while in inflating): Spongebob! Okay, Spongebob! Ah'm I'm sorry! Ah I admit it! Idiot Spongebob (Lisping): What's that? You want more? No problem, Sandy! You heard her, Gary. Give more air for the land squirrel! (Gary slithers faster, then notices Sandy getting bigger and jumps off the wheel.) Sandy (Muffled, while in inflating): No, Spongebob! Ah I said ah'm I'm sorry! Ah'll I'll never do it again! (Sandy's suit starts to tear apart as Sandy's fur rips off the couch. Then, we cut to outside the pineapple, where Sandy breaks through the ceiling and is showing floating over Spongebob, Squidward, and Patrick's houses like a balloon attached to a string.) Sandy (Sadly) (Muffled, while floating): No more sponge jokes. (The hose gets yanked out of Sandy's mouth and Sandy deflates, leaving a trail of bubbles coming out of her mouth. After which, bubbles rise, transitioning back to the outside of the Krusty Krab at night, with spotlights shining around it. Then we cut to inside where the audience is shown chanting for Sandy.) Crowd of fish (Chanting): Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! (We cut over to Sandy giving a thumbs up to the right of the screen, then she faces the audiences.) Sandy: Thank you, thank you very much, ya'll. Ah I was on my way over here, when I ran into Spongebob. (Sandy winks to Spongebob, and we cut over to Spongebob and Patrick sitting next to each other at a table. Patrick is shown smiling, while Spongebob winks back at Sandy while smirking. Then we cut back to Sandy on stage.) And ah I said, "Hey, why don't you go get a couple of your sponge friends and we'll go change a light bulb?" (Crowd laughs) But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a sponge is a squirrel! (The same blank crowd animations from "Culture Shock" are used, with some fish blinking in the audience.) Ah I mean, we're so dumb, (Takes out a bag of acorns) we're nuts! You could even say we're "nut jobs"! (Opens the bag and pours acorns on herself) Fish #6: That's true. (Crowd laughs, then we cut to Mr. Krabs laughing along.) Sandy: And crabs? Boy are they cheap! They be cheaper than a poker player in Las Vegas. So cheap, they can't even pay attention! Mr. Krabs: (Laughs) It's true, I am cheap! Sandy: Now, let me tell ya'll about fish. Boy, are they smelly. Pee-yew! How could a sea critter who spends so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! (Imitates Johnny Elaine) Soap... soap... what is... soap? (The crowd continues laughing and Sandy and Spongebob give each other a thumbs up. To end the episode, we cut to an outside view of the Krusty Krab and the camera slowly pulls away.) Sandy (Off-screen): Well, that's all for me. See ya'll next time at the Komedy Krab. Join me next week when I talk about starfish. THE END Trivia * Given the stage layout for inside the Krusty Krab, it's likely this episode serves as a sequel to "Culture Shock". Category:321SPONGEBOLT Category:Transcripts Category:Fanon Works Category:Rewritten Versions of Episodes